Break Up To Make.... Better.

There is nothing like that feeling of the wind being sucked out of your chest. Time stands still for those 30 seconds where you try to comprehend what the f*ck just happened. When time restarts, you're left to pick up the pieces. Relationships are one of the most difficult things to navigate in your teenage years and even as an adult. As a teenager, you feel the guy or girl you are dating is your world. Everything revolves around them including the sun, the moon, and the stars. 2 weeks later, you're on to the next one and repeat the same cycle. Fast forward to your adult years, the time together gets longer, promises get stronger, and the bond you build appears seeming unbreakable...

This blog is honestly a reflection on the choices I've made, lessons I've learned from them, and advice I can share. Being young, dating can seem like one of the most important things you should be doing during your early 20's. People in their late 20's, I know you've heard the "When are you getting married?", "When are you bringing someone home?", "You should have started looking when you were younger." Age is never a factor when it comes to love and I learned that the hard way. The story I'm sharing with you in this post is one that literally broke my heart to pieces. The type of heartache that paralyzes you, makes you physically ill and unable to function, as well as mentally and emotionally unstable...

Like every seemingly normal beginning of the relationship, it begins with the first date. Those amazing 3-4 hours spent over a low light dinner, walks along River Street in Savannah, and ending with a wonderful conversation on a bench along the river while eating ice cream. Sounds like the perfect fantasy, right? And it was simply that: a fantasy. Shortly after the first date, the calls become more frequent, the texting increases, and that person finds himself over at your home every weekend. Now it was easy to fall into the fantasy. With him being in the military, not everything is as blatantly know as if he were a lawyer or a doctor. I mainly saw him on the weekends and received my phone calls nightly because with myself being in school and him stationed 45 minutes away, every night together wasn't a logically option to either of us. I was okay with that. I enjoy my space away from my significant other, because that allowed me to focus on my schoolwork and finish up my Bachelor's degree (3 more days by the way!). We would meet for dinner during the week and when he had the 4-day weekends as well as some times during the week, he was at my home. The talks of going down to the courthouse to get married, having children, spending more time with me, and even moving in with me after the army became the topic of conversation. My fantasy was complete. I had a wonderful support system, someone who loved and adored me, wanted to be a part of my dreams, and seemingly made his priority about me. But fantasies are simply dreams and you have to wake up sometime right?

Fast forward to the breakup and no word from him for a week. The last I had heard was that he had had a mental breakdown and was hospitalized on post. At this point, I hadn't seen him in a month, plans to see each other fell through, and when the day arrived to actually meet up, I didn't hear from him at all. Of course, my spidey senses were tingling. Something was up. After the week of not talking, and prayer for closure, I received it. My closure came in the form of a Facebook post congratulating him and his new wife with a picture of the two of them. The same female that I had questioned him about and he claimed was just a "close friend of his sister's". Yes, on some Zola sh*t right? He was engaged the entire time we were together, but had the audacity to sit here and attempt to build a life with me including kids and marriage. Not to miss the kicker, he ended things with me, via text, on the day of the wedding which was the week before I stopped hearing from him.

My first reaction was to call my best friend and have the usual "Are you f*cking me?". I didn't cry. That is one thing I can honestly say I did not do. I went numb, called all my close friends, and lost the energy to move or eat. For the past 3 days, I have not been able to keep anything in my system or eat more than one meal a day. Panic attacks at 5:45 in the morning was simply the icing on the cake. All of this going on when I had to study for my last finals of my undergraduate career. Excellent timing right? Everyone's first reaction was to make his life a living hell, send her the pictures and screenshots, blow his phone up... but I couldn't. The ring was already on the finger and the license was signed. A point of no return had been reached and there was no point.

As much as I wanted to destroy him by all of the above and more, it wasn't worth it. When you find out that you were unknowingly the "Becky with the good hair", you want that to make that person's life a living hell because they hurt you. At the end of the day, that solves nothing. The deed has been done. They hurt you, moved on with their life, and left you to pick up the pieces. The silver lining to all of this was that I can happily say I did not marry him. The elaborate lies and secrets that were kept and told were unreal. If he was hiding his engagement from me, there's no telling what all he was hiding from his new wife, who lived in another state. She has to enter her marriage on lies and dishonesty that he brought in. As my friend Chelsi says, "God doesn't bless mess". As much as I am hurting, this is a blessing in disguise. I dodged a HUGE bullet from marrying someone who was dishonest and unfaithful and I can now place my energy and focus back into the things that are important in my life and career.

He was a lesson. Not a soulmate. Over time, I will heal and be back to my normal self. He placed in my life for a reason. For that period of time, he was a big support system to me when I was emotionally going through some personal things. He served his purpose in my life and I now have room for bigger and better things. Yes, like all people during breakups, you become jaded on love, weddings and even the word wedding makes me nauseous, and I'm finally able to have a flashback of the picture mentally and not want to throw up my intestines. That image will never be erased. It will continuously serve as a reminder for something that has no business being in my life.

You always want to think the best of the people you give your heart to. That southern charm created a fantasy that I simply got lost in. It was a learning lesson. Stay guarded, don't fall so easily, and trust your gut. The minute you feel something is up, question it. You have a right to! I'm always told "when people show you their true colors, believe them". I agree. It has nothing to do with the color of their skin or the job they have, but the integrity of their character. After this breakup, I need a "me cleanse". I removed Facebook from my phone so I wasn't tempted to see the pictures and torture myself more, I physically want to better myself by eating better and working out (I gained some weight while I was dating him due to all the Chili's dinners), and I want to spiritually reconnect myself.

Following a breakup is not the time to completely say "f*ck love" and start dating the opposite sex. I will admit that I have stated and vowed that I'm never getting married lol. But this time is a time of reflection and reformation. REFLECT on the standards and values that YOU hold, the things you will tolerate and allow during your next relationship, and REFORM to become a better person. For me, this is a time of rejuvenation. I can leave the negativity of this behind, put my energy into positive things and move forward to accomplishing my dreams. It's so difficult to snap back from a bad breakup, but you will. Many people that I love and cherish have told me this millions of times. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. That is the biggest thing I am internalizing. You did not ask for this, slap a sign on your forehead saying "hey, I want to get hurt not too long from now", or throw flares up so that this is a packaged boxed dropped at your feet. It is a part of life that sucks, but happens. Use this time to better yourself and remind yourself why you are an amazing person. I have been surrounding myself with people that love and care for me. Find positive outlets for a negative situation. Become a better person. What's done in the dark will come to light, so its only a ticking time bomb for when the skeletons start dancing out of his closet... and I hope I have front row seats. :) Now is the time where I continue to heal from the hurt, move on, and become a better individual so that I can say I became a better person although you tried to break me and hurt me. Just because their sh*t stinks doesn't mean you have to as well.

Love yourself! Focus on you! Achieve your goals! Last but not least, nobody else defines you but YOU!

Much love,

-T

Tired of Trying in a Hopeless Circle

Hey everyone,

I haven't posted in a while due to finishing my undergraduate degree in T-minus 10 days! Yes! I said it! 10 days until I hold my Bachelor's of Science in Chemistry with a concentration in Biochemistry. Graduates, I know you understand this job hunt struggle, because right now it is too real...

I wanted to bring back the use of this blog as a therapy and release for me. My return from Morocco (which was amazing by the way and I will post pictures and stories in another post later on) left me in a state of disarray. I say that because my Senior Year has been full of unbelievable twists and turns that I never thought would happen. I found a post discussing my parents' divorce and the guy I was seeing at the time and I find it funny that I never posted it. I completely forgot about it. Having seen that post and what I wrote honestly cemented how I feel and why I am on the belief that I have. 

Everyone has seen Beyonce's new visual album Lemonade. I unfortunately have not, but I have seen the MILLIONS of posts about it on Facebook. She honestly holds a lot of truth within her work and people have been spot on with their interpretations of the symbols, the art, and the metaphors she gifted the world in a short span of 58 minutes (yes, I will be sure to watch the visual album after this). At the age of 22, I have been through my fair of relationships. The "amazing men" that turn into little boys after the dirty laundry comes out of the closet. Quite honestly, I'm over it. Now friends of mine will read this say "T, you're not done", "Wait for the right guy! He's out there!", "It's a trial and error type thing this dating game". My response: bullshit. We live in a society where it is okay to lower the standards for the partner we want in life and allow things to slide. I caught my ex in another woman's profile picture after have already confronting him prior to, asked him about it, and I was somehow placed in the wrong. Said female has now blocked me from access to seeing her profile in general. I have never communicated with her, sent her any messages, or anything. I simply asked him who she was and this happened. Now readers, what does that tell you about this situation? Juicy... yes, I know. I kind of want to hear the ending myself. My point is, when you feel that pit in your stomach or that unsettling feeling, go with it. Your relationship is YOUR relationship. Yes, we all go to our friends for help and wanting their opinion, but you want that comfort during that time. The honesty is needed, but sometimes you just want that friend to listen and allow you to get it all out before your guy becomes that piece of shit. 

To tie back to the idea that society has allowed us to lower our standards, we no longer place our significant others as a priority in our lives. Dating is for the purpose of marriage, right? We do just enough to get by to keep that person happy and with us. Once that "honeymoon phase" is gone, you find yourself wanting intimacy, communication, and even just being plain old thoughtful. Things you never have to ask for prior to, you are now screaming at the top of your lungs for. People will probably say by this point you need to be out of the relationship, but its not their relationship. No one will ever be perfect for the person they are meant to spend the rest of their lives with. It's simply a matter of how much can you tolerate said person for x amount of years. Can you stand the way the way they never want to get dressed for a night on the town every once in a while? Can you tolerate someone who is physically not affectionate but shows their love in other ways? Everyone is different and it's all about what you feel you can handle in your life. 

I title this "Tired of Trying in a Hopeless Circle" because the dating game has changed. New technology such as smart phones and social media has skewed the dating scene from where our parents grew up. It's sometimes difficult to see a marriage last more than 15 years or a relationship break that 9 month mark. Times are changing. As a child of a nasty divorce that is currently on-going and reeling from the break-up with someone I saw my future with, you get a distaste for relationships. And I feel that I just drank a pint of spoiled milk that had been outside sitting in this Georgia heat. I no longer feel that need to have someone in my life that I once did. Yes, its nice to have that support system (friends and family cover that) and a nice, warm body to keep you company at night (you can get dog or some extra blankets if its that serious), but the main focus is you. Is that person you put all your energy into going to be there forever? From my point of view, no. 

Focus on yourself! My breakups have brought many wonderful things into my life because I didn't allow myself to harp on them or run out to find someone else as a place holder or rebound. Prior to my current ex, I had a rough breakup, but I ended up moving to Morocco where I dined under amazing scenery and had the opportunity to take in and enjoy a rich culture. This breakup, I am earning my Bachelor's degree with great grades and can move wherever I want to find to a job (I found jobs overseas in Europe :)) The opportunities are endless. I see myself traveling around the world and giving my passport stamps to places people can't even pronounce. I see myself having an amazing career where I can give back to the community and to people that have loved and supported me continuously. At 22, that desire for a boyfriend, life partner, boo thang, bae, or even the thought of marriage is not even at the table right now. Its packed away in a shoe box, in a cardboard box, taped up, and placed in the back corner of the attic under some more boxes and a ratty old blanket. 

The one thing I learned is don't allow someone else's love to define you. Their definition of love is skewed by their own self-loathing. You are beautiful, intelligent, and have the whole world going for you. Define your own happiness and joy and don't rely on someone else or a marriage to give that to you. My friend Michaela is traveling the world on mission trips to places such as Panama, Costa Rica, Spain and my friend Jeremy, that I went to Morocco with is moving to Germany with the Army and planning to go to Ibiza or Greece next year (Jeremy, I was serious about going lol). There is so much more to life than a relationship and staying in one place. Looking back, I would have probably given up this wanderlust and passion to stay stagnant in one spot. That honestly deeply saddens me. 

Who knows... Maybe my views will change shortly or in a few years. I just can't allow myself to associate being single as a negative thing. I don't want to feel like I have to have a boyfriend or a husband to be okay. My 5-bedroom home, dogs, amazing wine collection, and blacked out BMW i8 will keep me company when I'm alone. If I really need some communication and joy, I have friends that I can call and feel much better. The breakup pain is temporary, but there is more to life out there. This too shall pass and I'm excited to see the many opportunities that are available to me. 

-T 

Take a Deep Breathe and Dive In...

Growing up has been one of the biggest things I've had to do in the last 5 years. I've learned to take care of myself in the real world, how to care for others, and what I want out of life. It's easy to sit and bed and dream about what you want in life. "Oh, I want this house, with this type of man, have this particular career, and make X amount of money". Pintrest has helped to contribute to some of these visions. I must admit, I am an avid user of the "Pin It" function. However, what do you when you see that your vision board isn't mapping out to what you envisioned it to be? 

For starters, anything is possible. With my Pisces zodiac, anyone who knows me knows that I am a dreamer. I love to imagine the best case scenario and have the most optimistic view on people and the world around me. Yes, this can be a downfall at times. Trust me, I've fallen and its been some of the hardest falls I've had. With the world being such a bleak place at times, you have to find the best in the situations. At least that's how I feel... Often, I find myself at the end of the pessimistic responses. I feel at times that people try to "pop my bubble" and bring me back to reality, but I can't view life through a small picture. 

Looking at life through a big picture has made me appreciate everything a lot more. I have stepped out of my comfort zones to find that happiness in life I desire so much. I traveled to Morocco and studied Arabic for four weeks, I am a part of a wonderful research team that led me to my next step in life (graduate school), and I am the community service chair for a wonderful organization that will help enlighten kids in the community of their full potential. My biggest decision is coming in almost a year and I couldn't be more excited. I am applying to graduate programs and moving to a city that I will call home for the next 5-7 years. New Brunswick, New Jersey, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and Montreal, Quebec, Canada are places where I could be starting this new stage of my life. This decision also makes me wonder if I'm destined to follow the normal path...

Coming off a high from my wonderful, amazing experience in Morocco, I wonder if I should be following the steps of others my age. A lot of people around me are settling down and becoming marriage-minded, and I'm over here decorating my apartment for ME. Am I missing out on this part of life? Should I be concerned that I am single and alone and could possibly be that way for the rest of my life? The answer to that question is HELL NO. At 21 years old, I don't want to have to plan my life around someone else. As I lay out all my plans and dreams, they do not include anyone else but me. I need a vibrant city where I can enjoy my twenties, a one bedroom apartment that I can call my own sanctuary, and a wonderful Pharmacology program where I can gain the necessary knowledge for my Ph.D. My parents have put me in this mindset and I couldn't thank them any more for doing so. They taught me to be an independent person that doesn't rely on anyone for anything. At the end of the day, (as my good friend always says) "I'm all I got". A serious relationship is not in my cards at the moment and THAT IS OKAY. These past few months, I have been dealing with a breakup that has honestly torn me to shreds. I cried in Morocco, I cried in my bed in my townhouse. Hell, I cried in my car driving on the highway. It hits the most that you're alone when it's late at night. You no longer can roll over and have someone there to curl up with, or share your innermost thoughts, or feel like you're the only person in the world that matters. As I deal with this separation, I've come to a realization about a lot of things...

First, He's not worth the tears anymore. I tear up from time to time, but I also remember how I was in a relationship where I wasn't respected, I wasn't loved, and there really wasn't a future. I could make up ANY excuse as to why we should have stayed together and how we could make it work, but it would be a pointless, waste of time. I realize that at this point in time, I wasn't important to you. I wasn't worth it to you. And that's okay. You made your choice and that leaves me room to find someone that feels I am important and always has the time to make me happy. I found myself diving into new activities and finding a new voice I never knew I had. Would I thank you for that? No. That would be giving you too much credit for being the selfish person you were. I thank myself for opening my eyes to where I want to be in life and who I want to be with...

The second thing I realized is that, I'm in a selfish phase right now. I want someone who will make me happy and be there, but I don't want a heavy commitment. I know I'm in this phase of life because I want the excitement and joy of getting engaged, but I want it minus the commitment of marriage. Crazy right? Committing myself to someone honestly scares the hell out me. I've been hurt, cheated on, and probably a majority of everything you wouldn't want in a relationship. Also, dealing with other separations that are occurring in my life, marriage and commitment is the furthest thing from my mind. Of course I'll be told that "The right man will come along and change your mind". A part of me doesn't know if I want that to happen...

Growing up means facing a lot of obstacles and challenges.As I begin my senior of year of college, I find myself in a happy place. I'm single and free to do as I please, I can pack up and travel at the drop of a hat, I can pick any city to move to at my hearts desire, and I'm free to live my dreams. Will my time come? Maybe. Will someone enter my life that makes me eat my words? Probably. At this point in time, he doesn't need to come in. I need to enjoy my time as a 21-year-old college student and find my path in life. My decision for graduate school will be tough, but it will be the greatest journey I have yet to embark on. It's time to pick myself up, dust all the hurt, pain, and anguish off, and grab life by the horns. I have too much love and support from different people to allow certain mishaps to control my life. I don't want to grow up and fully adult yet. Yes, I already pay bills and deal with finances, but I don't need to have any more responsibilities than that of myself :) Senior year starts in a few weeks and I know that I will begin to soar and do what I need to do to find myself on this crazy, beautiful journey. 

-T. 

Relationships are Forever...?

As human beings, the desire for some type of communication with another is encoded in our DNA. From birth, we find that connection with our parents. Toddlers, find that comfort with their parents as well as other kids. "Tweens" want the acceptance from their peers and society, and so on and so forth. We find ourselves wrapped up in the mission of finding someone outside of our family realm to love and support us equally as the family unit does. It also sometimes distracts us from where we need to be in life and what we need to do to accomplish our goals.

As a young girl, I got caught up in the rush of finding "my best friend". It's funny because that one person you feel will be there forever, seems to disappear after a few years. I do have my friends that have been with me since pre-K as well as people from high school, but as I grow older, the term "best friend" is used so loosely including by me. Trust is so easily given to people that give us the slightest indication that they care or want to be there for us. The realization that they are only gaining from your hurt and pain to build themselves up, is the ultimate betrayal that is more common than you think. It's difficult to find people that are really there for you. It is said that it is better to have a few quarters than to have many pennies (or something like that). Basically, the phrase is saying that your life will be more joyful with a few people on your team, than many who are not there for you or only present for personal gain. As I said in the last post, when people show you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM. You have to decide what you are willing to accept from a friend. If you feel that their actions are not bad enough to remove them from your life, then that's fine. YOU have to make the ultimate decision. Friendships, just like relationships, have their ups and downs. It will never be perfect, but at the end of the day, if your differences can be put aside to stand strong with one another, then keep that friend. If not, you know what has to be done. 

Relationships with a significant other also fall along these guidelines. Yes, I have been a victim of the cheating, lying, lack of effort, as well as abuse. It's more common that believed to be. There are more types of abuse than physical. There's also emotional and sexual. If you find yourself in a situation that you are uncomfortable with: LEAVE. Do not feel that you can change them or that it will get better, because it will take years and help to rid of those patterns. It's a scary thought because you never believed that you would find yourself in that situation. He'll say I love you one minute and transform within the next. I see young girls, and even girls my age, wrapped up in new relationships where it seems to be moving fairly quickly. It seems like the relationship will last an eternity because they look so harmonious and in sync with one another. However, what you see may not be reality. What he tells you may not be reality. Here in lies where trust is easily destroyed and broken. You live your life fearing that the next relationship will be similar to the last. It's hard to have faith. 

Red flags are also a big indicator as to how things will turn out. I was in a relationship where a guy was in a long term relationship with someone else, and I had no idea. You would have never known because of all the time we spent together and how platonic the relationship turned out to be. I was happy. Things were stable and finally falling into place. However, when he was caught in the lie, everything seemed to implode quickly. I was hurt, embarrassed, angry, as well as a multitude of other things. I didn't want anything to do with him when the truth was revealed. The only issue was, I couldn't let him go and he knew that. He kept pursuing me. Like an idiot, I took him back. Don't get me wrong, he stepped up his game in how he treated me. Bringing me ice cream without me asking, lunches, movie nights, cute gifts on holidays... things that made me feel comfortable with the decision I had made. These things also blinded from the truth that was blatantly in front of my face. The disrespect began to show, the time spent together began to cease, and the effort seemed to diminish. I was so tired of everything that was happening and begging him to fix it, that I decided to leave. It seemed that he had already left the relationship weeks prior, but nothing was said about it. I'm still struggling daily with the decision I made, but I know that it was the right one. With our break-up, I also lost a friend that I felt was like a sister. Someone I confided in and trusted. It's a part of life to experience it, but it still hurts. I don't regret the relationship and of course, I care for him regardless of the decisions he chose to make concerning our relationship. I am in no way not guilty of anything, because I had my faults. I'm not perfect.  

You have to come to point where you realize that you deserve better. Whether the treatment is from a significant other or a friend, you set the standards and toleration for what you expect and want to receive. Don't settle for less and don't force anything. You can't force somebody to be something they are not. Someone is out there that will be your perfect match. Do not put all your attention into finding that person either! The world is so vast and filled with endless opportunities. Wrapping yourself up in someone or a situation will blur your vision and your goals. The biggest lesson I have learned from both my friendships and relationships, is that those that are meant to be in your life, will still be there regardless of the adventures and chances you take or the mistakes you make. I've known two of my closest friends since I was in diapers. When you take a chance and follow your heart, those that are meant to be on your journey will be there. Don't sweat the small stuff, learn from it. It's a struggle I face daily, but I'm doing better day by day. It's amazing the people you meet when you take a chance. Step outside of your comfort zone! If that friend is not a true friend, drop them! If your significant other isn't who you want them to be, don't stay and force it! Being in unhappy relationships will only make you bitter, stressed, and upset. I realize that it's the comfort zone we enjoy, but that comfort zone can easily be the death of your dreams if you're not careful. New chances and new people will add so much more excitement to your life. Like I said in the beginning, it's human nature to want some type of relationship with someone. These are experiences we all share and will eventually go through. The only difference is how we take the experience. Continue to follow your dreams and motivate yourself. Do not let others who are not worthy of your love, loyalty, or friendship destroy you! There are plenty of people in your corner that love and support you regardless of your shortcomings and downfalls. :) 

Much love always! 

-T. 

Stay Focused on You

It's been a minute... my fault... between the excursions, catching an infection in my intestines from bad food, and trying to learn Arabic, it's been rough. I'm on the last week of my excursion and I can definitely say that this trip has been an experience. It's been a learning lesson, not only for myself, but for other people as well. The trip allowed for us to learn another culture, but also how to deal with the things that come with our culture. It also allowed for us to take a step back from our daily lives and "clean house" where it needed to be cleaned. I feel that with a study abroad trip, you have to be open- minded. Of course our wonderful director went over the "three Cs" with us (don't complain, criticize, and I forgot the last one), but I'm definitely sure that I've broken all three. Whether out loud or in silence, the 3 C's have been broken. 

I believe the biggest lessons I've learned this trip are "To be seen and not heard" and "Watch who you trust". Each one is an issue that everyone faces and has no idea how to deal with. I'll give my opinion on each lesson and what I think, but it doesn't mean what I say is law. A lot of people don't understand the idea of "what you eat doesn't make me shit". Meaning, if what I say offends you or doesn't sit well, move on. My words are not law or bound for eternity. Hell, I could change my position on certain things within the next few years. This is why I feel educating yourself on certain topics is SO important. You can easily put a sentence together, but what you say may have no relation to whatever is at hand. This is how hot air gets blown around and tempers flair... At 21, I can look back on my life choices and decisions I've made and only hope that others don't make the same mistake I did. Hence the "To be seen and not heard lesson"....

"To be seen and not heard".... Such a small, powerful sentence that speaks volumes. I am easily labeled a "homebody" or "anti-social", but that is not the case at all. Certain things I've learned, you can only do around certain people. So the way you laugh may be judged, the sauce you put on your sandwich looks gross, or the way you dance in a club is just so horrifically awful you will never be invited out again. People forget that these are the things that make up YOU. This is your ID card, your passport, your social security number, EVERYTHING. Issue is, some people find that hard to accept. Certain things you do are a "turn off" to others to where they don't want to be around you. Looking back at my last 3 years in college, I have honestly questioned some of the things I did and who I surrounded myself with. "Why did I do that?" "What did I see in him?" "Why did I allow her to talk to me like that?" It's all words that come in hindsight. Similar to someone insulting you and hours later while you're eating Cheetos watching The Walking Dead, you remember a witty comeback. Unfortunately, there are no do-overs. The "Shoulda, Coulda, Wouldas" will never cease to exist. So I've found the only solution to help me handle and somewhat manage my decisions: Be seen, but not heard. People watch for a good minute. It's funny cause this has turned into an enjoyment for me at the coffee shops here in Morocco. How people react, speak, and behave can speak volumes. If you see it happen ONCE, BELIEVE IT!!! This is a lesson I've had to learn throughout the years. If they show you one side of them, that side is permanently there. It's never going to change. You speaking to me in that tone... noted. You getting defensive when I come to you with an issue... noted. How you act in person and on social media... noted. Yes, it can be considered a judgement, but it's a judgement for your personal health. Do you really want to be around someone who continuously talks down to you? Do you want to be around someone who feels their actions are acceptable? Do you honestly want your name associated with a particular reputation? These are questions I find myself answering daily. Call me a bitch, then so be it. At the end of the day, I have to protect my own sanity and health. Dealing with unnecessary bullshit is not healthy for anyone.I close up to deal with my issues because the only one that can help you is yourself. Venting is the best form of healing, but only you can save yourself from hitting rock bottom. Toward the end of my Junior year, I felt myself falling. I couldn't get a hold on anything solid to help stabilize the avalanche I was on. In my eyes, everything was falling apart. however, coming to Morocco has helped me to find myself and where I want to be in life. As well as who I want around me on this journey. One of the hardest things I've found is finding those that want to see you do well and support your dreams. It's easy for people to look at you and see your downfalls to make themselves feel better. However, when you have a moment of happiness that they are not receiving, they turn selfish and feel that their lives will be blessed with the same happiness from the same source. It doesn't work like that. My journey is different from yours and yours different from mine. I can be inspired and want to take a similar route, but I don't want to make the same decisions as you. This is where the second lesson comes into play...

Trust: the one thing everyone hates to do. Whether its a friend, family member, or significant other, we will be faced with trust nonetheless. It sucks, but betrayal of trust is a part of life. It'll always happen. Why it does? I don't know. I think it has something with the three categories of people: Selfish, Selfless, and a happy balance of the two that never exists. I am definitely a selfless person. I want everyone to get along, be happy, and my life to flow in a happy cycle. Unfortunately, my selflessness allowed for people that I cared for dearly to betray my trust and then deny it. Certain situations cause trauma to one's life that causes a change in personality. In my case, it has to happen. I have to become less selfless and more selfish. I can no longer allow others to take advantage of me nor derail my plans for others. It's funny that I find my motivation through a bad breakup or failed friendship. "I'm going to travel the world!" (which I'm planning)... "I'm going to get a fine ass body so he'll hate himself at the end of the day!" (yeah... I'm about to be ON FLEEK come December... Get ready for Spring Break) Needless to say, I get distracted by relationships. This is probably why I don't date. I am okay with being alone. Yes, its nice to have someone there, but I have close friends and family I can run to. I watch people leave one relationship and quickly jump into another. How do you know you can be alone if you're never alone? It's more eye opening to look at things from your own perspective instead of,"what does ****** think about me doing this?". Allowing people into your journey is a tough thing to battle because your weakness can be used against you if the right people aren't in your corner or on your team. It can also be looked at as a lesson for them as well. They may not see it, but you may have been a reality check to them, just as they have been to you. 

Learning who to open up to and trust is a big part of life. Especially as you reach the age where you want to settle down and get married or find what you want to do with your life. Trust is evident everywhere, you can't hide from it. Looking back at my last year, I laugh at some of the things I stressed about. They are now insignificant and a stepping stone to my bigger journey. They're fine staying stagnant with their lives and aren't elevating, so they want to pull you down with them like dead weight. In my eyes, this is a sign that I have a greater purpose for my life. I'm not meant to be with him, be friends with her or him, or be in this particular place for the rest of my life. I have now begun to look at life as half- full... There is more room for greatness to happen. Let life and love live! I can't let anymore distractions deter me from where I need to be. Staring out into the Mediterranean on the beach helped me clear my thoughts. Sometimes a break from everything is what you need... and I got my break. I'm back with a vengeance stronger than ever. 

Stay Focused!!!

-T. 

Beginning the Journey

At 21, you're told you have the whole world ahead of you to figure out where you want to be. However, at this point in life, a lot of people are panicked and scrambling to find where they want to be. College graduation is around the corner for many and our find yourself searching and hoping for that "Big boy" or "Big girl" job so that you're not back at your parents' home with a college degree. Around this time next year, I'll find myself in that same state of mind. Well, I'm actually panicking and anxious about my next step in life. Where do I see myself after college?

Since I was little, I've had my big dreams of saving the world and being important in some field of my choosing. However, I feel as if I have begun to fade into the background. Of course when you feel somewhat "invisible", your insecurities run rampant. Do they like my hair? Why did I choose this outfit? Am I capable of handling this? Is this honestly my true fit in life? Like many others, myself included, I put my mask on and face my daily challenges. It has been said that stepping out of your comfort zone will lead you to success later on in life. Staying stagnant in the same spot because you feel safe will not place you where you want to be. As I continue to age, I find my friends, loved ones and acquaintances in amazing places following their dreams. Business consultants, actresses, musicians, Olympic runners, doctors, nurses, teachers, engineers, chemists... I mean the list is endless. You sometimes wonder if these same people feel the anxiety or nervousness to step out and begin their own journey and find their personal legend.

After transferring my Freshman year of college from Mercer University, I found myself fading into the background of Georgia Southern University. I would go to class, go to work, study, and sleep. The same repetitive motions. For years, I've been trapped inside the cocoon that is my anxiety. Is this the right step? Should I do this? What if I don't like it? What if no one likes me? It's a constant battle mentally to push yourself to become the greatness destined for your life. With Mercer basically forcing me to transfer schools in three weeks, I've found myself on a roller-coaster of epic proportions to find myself and begin my journey.

My Junior year of college sparked a fire of ambition and wanderlust within my heart that I had to fulfill. Fall 2014, I found myself working with an amazing team of students and faculty members to study the effects of Titanium Oxide nanoparticles in human lung and breast cancer models. My dream had begun to come to the forefront. I found myself on a new path of excitement and happiness through my research. Along with a time of happiness normally follows a period of grief and sadness. I found myself in a sea of failed relationships and friendships, a death in my family, and anxiety during a time where I needed to focus on my goals and dreams. My personality caused me to hoard all my emotions and feelings which translated to a deviation from my personal journey. I found myself off track from where I needed to be worrying about things I could not change.

How do you combat that? A saying I've heard numerous times is "What you eat doesn't make me shit," meaning people's actions and choices shouldn't define YOU. This is a lesson I am learning daily. It's easy for me to get wrapped up in things I shouldn't when I know that there is something greater for me. But alas, I am human. It happens. Regardless of how strong we come off as or how tough and emotionless we attempt to convince ourselves to be, we all have a weakness. You can only be superman for so long before your "kryptonite" comes along and knocks your feet from underneath you. Regardless of my downfalls and shortcomings, I've found that I have an amazing support team around me that sees my potential and in turn, I become that strength and courage for them. Distance and lack of time may cause us to disconnect, but at the end of the day, I can find comfort from them via a phone call, text, or even a shout out via social media.

Fast forward to Summer 2015, I find myself studying Arabic in the beautiful country of Morocco on the West coast of Africa. I do not know a THING about Arabic, but I am working my butt off to make the excellent education I'm receiving worthwhile. There were a few bumps and hiccups along the way to get here, but I find myself in a place of love, comfort, and wanderlust as I begin my journey of my personal legend. To know that I am receiving love and well wishes from thousands of miles away is so amazing. I couldn't ask for anything more than what I am receiving. The people I traveled with, as well as new friends I made here in Morocco, are making this journey that much more exciting.

I titled this blog "Traveling the Journey of My Personal Legend", because I was gifted with the book The Alchemist as I began my journey to Morocco. My sense of wanderlust was shipped to me all the way from Phoenix, Arizona and I couldn't be any more thankful. The Alchemist is a novel about a young sheppard attempting to find his treasure and meaning to life. Along the way, he meets people that give him life long lessons that hold true to this day. As I buried my face in the novel, his story rang true with my current personal life. Day by day, I'm learning to live life for me and not the dreams of others. Getting caught up in things I don't need to be surrounded by only hinders my desire and dreams of my soul and ambition. A close friend once told me, "you need to become more selfish and less selfless. People can see that and take advantage of it. It is your time to focus on you and get to where I know you can be." Now is the time where I can no longer worry about others and allow them to begin their own journey. I have to focus on me in order to achieve my goals and dreams. It is believed that your darkest hour comes before your dawn and I find myself at that point in my life. Paul Coelho, author of The Alchemist, defines the personal legend as," a force that appears to be negative, but actually shows you how to realize your personal legend. It prepares your spirit and your will, because there is one great truth on this planet: whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the soul of the universe. It's your mission on earth."

My soul is screaming that my personal legend is to get my Doctorate in Pharmacology at least 6 years from now. I want to study at McGill University (of course, maintaining my wanderlust) in Montreal, Canada. Yes, it's a huge move, but I feel that it's my calling, My journey begins here in Morocco and will continue when I return back to the United States and finish out my time in Statesboro and the rest of my life. I never thought that I would be here in Morocco studying, but it seemed that everything around me aligned in the proper way to ensure that this was possible. I highly recommend reading The Alchemist  by Paul Coelho because it honestly changed my life just as I was told it would.

As I begin this crazy, global journey, I want to document as much as I can as well as inspire others to follow their dreams. Even if its only three people that read this blog, I can only hope that one person is inspired to change their lives and reach for the stars.

Please give feedback! I appreciate those that read these posts :) Keep you posted with my adventures and wanderlust....

T.