Tired of Trying in a Hopeless Circle

Hey everyone,

I haven't posted in a while due to finishing my undergraduate degree in T-minus 10 days! Yes! I said it! 10 days until I hold my Bachelor's of Science in Chemistry with a concentration in Biochemistry. Graduates, I know you understand this job hunt struggle, because right now it is too real...

I wanted to bring back the use of this blog as a therapy and release for me. My return from Morocco (which was amazing by the way and I will post pictures and stories in another post later on) left me in a state of disarray. I say that because my Senior Year has been full of unbelievable twists and turns that I never thought would happen. I found a post discussing my parents' divorce and the guy I was seeing at the time and I find it funny that I never posted it. I completely forgot about it. Having seen that post and what I wrote honestly cemented how I feel and why I am on the belief that I have. 

Everyone has seen Beyonce's new visual album Lemonade. I unfortunately have not, but I have seen the MILLIONS of posts about it on Facebook. She honestly holds a lot of truth within her work and people have been spot on with their interpretations of the symbols, the art, and the metaphors she gifted the world in a short span of 58 minutes (yes, I will be sure to watch the visual album after this). At the age of 22, I have been through my fair of relationships. The "amazing men" that turn into little boys after the dirty laundry comes out of the closet. Quite honestly, I'm over it. Now friends of mine will read this say "T, you're not done", "Wait for the right guy! He's out there!", "It's a trial and error type thing this dating game". My response: bullshit. We live in a society where it is okay to lower the standards for the partner we want in life and allow things to slide. I caught my ex in another woman's profile picture after have already confronting him prior to, asked him about it, and I was somehow placed in the wrong. Said female has now blocked me from access to seeing her profile in general. I have never communicated with her, sent her any messages, or anything. I simply asked him who she was and this happened. Now readers, what does that tell you about this situation? Juicy... yes, I know. I kind of want to hear the ending myself. My point is, when you feel that pit in your stomach or that unsettling feeling, go with it. Your relationship is YOUR relationship. Yes, we all go to our friends for help and wanting their opinion, but you want that comfort during that time. The honesty is needed, but sometimes you just want that friend to listen and allow you to get it all out before your guy becomes that piece of shit. 

To tie back to the idea that society has allowed us to lower our standards, we no longer place our significant others as a priority in our lives. Dating is for the purpose of marriage, right? We do just enough to get by to keep that person happy and with us. Once that "honeymoon phase" is gone, you find yourself wanting intimacy, communication, and even just being plain old thoughtful. Things you never have to ask for prior to, you are now screaming at the top of your lungs for. People will probably say by this point you need to be out of the relationship, but its not their relationship. No one will ever be perfect for the person they are meant to spend the rest of their lives with. It's simply a matter of how much can you tolerate said person for x amount of years. Can you stand the way the way they never want to get dressed for a night on the town every once in a while? Can you tolerate someone who is physically not affectionate but shows their love in other ways? Everyone is different and it's all about what you feel you can handle in your life. 

I title this "Tired of Trying in a Hopeless Circle" because the dating game has changed. New technology such as smart phones and social media has skewed the dating scene from where our parents grew up. It's sometimes difficult to see a marriage last more than 15 years or a relationship break that 9 month mark. Times are changing. As a child of a nasty divorce that is currently on-going and reeling from the break-up with someone I saw my future with, you get a distaste for relationships. And I feel that I just drank a pint of spoiled milk that had been outside sitting in this Georgia heat. I no longer feel that need to have someone in my life that I once did. Yes, its nice to have that support system (friends and family cover that) and a nice, warm body to keep you company at night (you can get dog or some extra blankets if its that serious), but the main focus is you. Is that person you put all your energy into going to be there forever? From my point of view, no. 

Focus on yourself! My breakups have brought many wonderful things into my life because I didn't allow myself to harp on them or run out to find someone else as a place holder or rebound. Prior to my current ex, I had a rough breakup, but I ended up moving to Morocco where I dined under amazing scenery and had the opportunity to take in and enjoy a rich culture. This breakup, I am earning my Bachelor's degree with great grades and can move wherever I want to find to a job (I found jobs overseas in Europe :)) The opportunities are endless. I see myself traveling around the world and giving my passport stamps to places people can't even pronounce. I see myself having an amazing career where I can give back to the community and to people that have loved and supported me continuously. At 22, that desire for a boyfriend, life partner, boo thang, bae, or even the thought of marriage is not even at the table right now. Its packed away in a shoe box, in a cardboard box, taped up, and placed in the back corner of the attic under some more boxes and a ratty old blanket. 

The one thing I learned is don't allow someone else's love to define you. Their definition of love is skewed by their own self-loathing. You are beautiful, intelligent, and have the whole world going for you. Define your own happiness and joy and don't rely on someone else or a marriage to give that to you. My friend Michaela is traveling the world on mission trips to places such as Panama, Costa Rica, Spain and my friend Jeremy, that I went to Morocco with is moving to Germany with the Army and planning to go to Ibiza or Greece next year (Jeremy, I was serious about going lol). There is so much more to life than a relationship and staying in one place. Looking back, I would have probably given up this wanderlust and passion to stay stagnant in one spot. That honestly deeply saddens me. 

Who knows... Maybe my views will change shortly or in a few years. I just can't allow myself to associate being single as a negative thing. I don't want to feel like I have to have a boyfriend or a husband to be okay. My 5-bedroom home, dogs, amazing wine collection, and blacked out BMW i8 will keep me company when I'm alone. If I really need some communication and joy, I have friends that I can call and feel much better. The breakup pain is temporary, but there is more to life out there. This too shall pass and I'm excited to see the many opportunities that are available to me. 

-T