This blog is honestly a reflection on the choices I've made, lessons I've learned from them, and advice I can share. Being young, dating can seem like one of the most important things you should be doing during your early 20's. People in their late 20's, I know you've heard the "When are you getting married?", "When are you bringing someone home?", "You should have started looking when you were younger." Age is never a factor when it comes to love and I learned that the hard way. The story I'm sharing with you in this post is one that literally broke my heart to pieces. The type of heartache that paralyzes you, makes you physically ill and unable to function, as well as mentally and emotionally unstable...
Like every seemingly normal beginning of the relationship, it begins with the first date. Those amazing 3-4 hours spent over a low light dinner, walks along River Street in Savannah, and ending with a wonderful conversation on a bench along the river while eating ice cream. Sounds like the perfect fantasy, right? And it was simply that: a fantasy. Shortly after the first date, the calls become more frequent, the texting increases, and that person finds himself over at your home every weekend. Now it was easy to fall into the fantasy. With him being in the military, not everything is as blatantly know as if he were a lawyer or a doctor. I mainly saw him on the weekends and received my phone calls nightly because with myself being in school and him stationed 45 minutes away, every night together wasn't a logically option to either of us. I was okay with that. I enjoy my space away from my significant other, because that allowed me to focus on my schoolwork and finish up my Bachelor's degree (3 more days by the way!). We would meet for dinner during the week and when he had the 4-day weekends as well as some times during the week, he was at my home. The talks of going down to the courthouse to get married, having children, spending more time with me, and even moving in with me after the army became the topic of conversation. My fantasy was complete. I had a wonderful support system, someone who loved and adored me, wanted to be a part of my dreams, and seemingly made his priority about me. But fantasies are simply dreams and you have to wake up sometime right?
Fast forward to the breakup and no word from him for a week. The last I had heard was that he had had a mental breakdown and was hospitalized on post. At this point, I hadn't seen him in a month, plans to see each other fell through, and when the day arrived to actually meet up, I didn't hear from him at all. Of course, my spidey senses were tingling. Something was up. After the week of not talking, and prayer for closure, I received it. My closure came in the form of a Facebook post congratulating him and his new wife with a picture of the two of them. The same female that I had questioned him about and he claimed was just a "close friend of his sister's". Yes, on some Zola sh*t right? He was engaged the entire time we were together, but had the audacity to sit here and attempt to build a life with me including kids and marriage. Not to miss the kicker, he ended things with me, via text, on the day of the wedding which was the week before I stopped hearing from him.
My first reaction was to call my best friend and have the usual "Are you f*cking me?". I didn't cry. That is one thing I can honestly say I did not do. I went numb, called all my close friends, and lost the energy to move or eat. For the past 3 days, I have not been able to keep anything in my system or eat more than one meal a day. Panic attacks at 5:45 in the morning was simply the icing on the cake. All of this going on when I had to study for my last finals of my undergraduate career. Excellent timing right? Everyone's first reaction was to make his life a living hell, send her the pictures and screenshots, blow his phone up... but I couldn't. The ring was already on the finger and the license was signed. A point of no return had been reached and there was no point.
As much as I wanted to destroy him by all of the above and more, it wasn't worth it. When you find out that you were unknowingly the "Becky with the good hair", you want that to make that person's life a living hell because they hurt you. At the end of the day, that solves nothing. The deed has been done. They hurt you, moved on with their life, and left you to pick up the pieces. The silver lining to all of this was that I can happily say I did not marry him. The elaborate lies and secrets that were kept and told were unreal. If he was hiding his engagement from me, there's no telling what all he was hiding from his new wife, who lived in another state. She has to enter her marriage on lies and dishonesty that he brought in. As my friend Chelsi says, "God doesn't bless mess". As much as I am hurting, this is a blessing in disguise. I dodged a HUGE bullet from marrying someone who was dishonest and unfaithful and I can now place my energy and focus back into the things that are important in my life and career.
He was a lesson. Not a soulmate. Over time, I will heal and be back to my normal self. He placed in my life for a reason. For that period of time, he was a big support system to me when I was emotionally going through some personal things. He served his purpose in my life and I now have room for bigger and better things. Yes, like all people during breakups, you become jaded on love, weddings and even the word wedding makes me nauseous, and I'm finally able to have a flashback of the picture mentally and not want to throw up my intestines. That image will never be erased. It will continuously serve as a reminder for something that has no business being in my life.
You always want to think the best of the people you give your heart to. That southern charm created a fantasy that I simply got lost in. It was a learning lesson. Stay guarded, don't fall so easily, and trust your gut. The minute you feel something is up, question it. You have a right to! I'm always told "when people show you their true colors, believe them". I agree. It has nothing to do with the color of their skin or the job they have, but the integrity of their character. After this breakup, I need a "me cleanse". I removed Facebook from my phone so I wasn't tempted to see the pictures and torture myself more, I physically want to better myself by eating better and working out (I gained some weight while I was dating him due to all the Chili's dinners), and I want to spiritually reconnect myself.
Following a breakup is not the time to completely say "f*ck love" and start dating the opposite sex. I will admit that I have stated and vowed that I'm never getting married lol. But this time is a time of reflection and reformation. REFLECT on the standards and values that YOU hold, the things you will tolerate and allow during your next relationship, and REFORM to become a better person. For me, this is a time of rejuvenation. I can leave the negativity of this behind, put my energy into positive things and move forward to accomplishing my dreams. It's so difficult to snap back from a bad breakup, but you will. Many people that I love and cherish have told me this millions of times. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. That is the biggest thing I am internalizing. You did not ask for this, slap a sign on your forehead saying "hey, I want to get hurt not too long from now", or throw flares up so that this is a packaged boxed dropped at your feet. It is a part of life that sucks, but happens. Use this time to better yourself and remind yourself why you are an amazing person. I have been surrounding myself with people that love and care for me. Find positive outlets for a negative situation. Become a better person. What's done in the dark will come to light, so its only a ticking time bomb for when the skeletons start dancing out of his closet... and I hope I have front row seats. :) Now is the time where I continue to heal from the hurt, move on, and become a better individual so that I can say I became a better person although you tried to break me and hurt me. Just because their sh*t stinks doesn't mean you have to as well.
Love yourself! Focus on you! Achieve your goals! Last but not least, nobody else defines you but YOU!
Much love,
-T
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