Break Up To Make.... Better.

There is nothing like that feeling of the wind being sucked out of your chest. Time stands still for those 30 seconds where you try to comprehend what the f*ck just happened. When time restarts, you're left to pick up the pieces. Relationships are one of the most difficult things to navigate in your teenage years and even as an adult. As a teenager, you feel the guy or girl you are dating is your world. Everything revolves around them including the sun, the moon, and the stars. 2 weeks later, you're on to the next one and repeat the same cycle. Fast forward to your adult years, the time together gets longer, promises get stronger, and the bond you build appears seeming unbreakable...

This blog is honestly a reflection on the choices I've made, lessons I've learned from them, and advice I can share. Being young, dating can seem like one of the most important things you should be doing during your early 20's. People in their late 20's, I know you've heard the "When are you getting married?", "When are you bringing someone home?", "You should have started looking when you were younger." Age is never a factor when it comes to love and I learned that the hard way. The story I'm sharing with you in this post is one that literally broke my heart to pieces. The type of heartache that paralyzes you, makes you physically ill and unable to function, as well as mentally and emotionally unstable...

Like every seemingly normal beginning of the relationship, it begins with the first date. Those amazing 3-4 hours spent over a low light dinner, walks along River Street in Savannah, and ending with a wonderful conversation on a bench along the river while eating ice cream. Sounds like the perfect fantasy, right? And it was simply that: a fantasy. Shortly after the first date, the calls become more frequent, the texting increases, and that person finds himself over at your home every weekend. Now it was easy to fall into the fantasy. With him being in the military, not everything is as blatantly know as if he were a lawyer or a doctor. I mainly saw him on the weekends and received my phone calls nightly because with myself being in school and him stationed 45 minutes away, every night together wasn't a logically option to either of us. I was okay with that. I enjoy my space away from my significant other, because that allowed me to focus on my schoolwork and finish up my Bachelor's degree (3 more days by the way!). We would meet for dinner during the week and when he had the 4-day weekends as well as some times during the week, he was at my home. The talks of going down to the courthouse to get married, having children, spending more time with me, and even moving in with me after the army became the topic of conversation. My fantasy was complete. I had a wonderful support system, someone who loved and adored me, wanted to be a part of my dreams, and seemingly made his priority about me. But fantasies are simply dreams and you have to wake up sometime right?

Fast forward to the breakup and no word from him for a week. The last I had heard was that he had had a mental breakdown and was hospitalized on post. At this point, I hadn't seen him in a month, plans to see each other fell through, and when the day arrived to actually meet up, I didn't hear from him at all. Of course, my spidey senses were tingling. Something was up. After the week of not talking, and prayer for closure, I received it. My closure came in the form of a Facebook post congratulating him and his new wife with a picture of the two of them. The same female that I had questioned him about and he claimed was just a "close friend of his sister's". Yes, on some Zola sh*t right? He was engaged the entire time we were together, but had the audacity to sit here and attempt to build a life with me including kids and marriage. Not to miss the kicker, he ended things with me, via text, on the day of the wedding which was the week before I stopped hearing from him.

My first reaction was to call my best friend and have the usual "Are you f*cking me?". I didn't cry. That is one thing I can honestly say I did not do. I went numb, called all my close friends, and lost the energy to move or eat. For the past 3 days, I have not been able to keep anything in my system or eat more than one meal a day. Panic attacks at 5:45 in the morning was simply the icing on the cake. All of this going on when I had to study for my last finals of my undergraduate career. Excellent timing right? Everyone's first reaction was to make his life a living hell, send her the pictures and screenshots, blow his phone up... but I couldn't. The ring was already on the finger and the license was signed. A point of no return had been reached and there was no point.

As much as I wanted to destroy him by all of the above and more, it wasn't worth it. When you find out that you were unknowingly the "Becky with the good hair", you want that to make that person's life a living hell because they hurt you. At the end of the day, that solves nothing. The deed has been done. They hurt you, moved on with their life, and left you to pick up the pieces. The silver lining to all of this was that I can happily say I did not marry him. The elaborate lies and secrets that were kept and told were unreal. If he was hiding his engagement from me, there's no telling what all he was hiding from his new wife, who lived in another state. She has to enter her marriage on lies and dishonesty that he brought in. As my friend Chelsi says, "God doesn't bless mess". As much as I am hurting, this is a blessing in disguise. I dodged a HUGE bullet from marrying someone who was dishonest and unfaithful and I can now place my energy and focus back into the things that are important in my life and career.

He was a lesson. Not a soulmate. Over time, I will heal and be back to my normal self. He placed in my life for a reason. For that period of time, he was a big support system to me when I was emotionally going through some personal things. He served his purpose in my life and I now have room for bigger and better things. Yes, like all people during breakups, you become jaded on love, weddings and even the word wedding makes me nauseous, and I'm finally able to have a flashback of the picture mentally and not want to throw up my intestines. That image will never be erased. It will continuously serve as a reminder for something that has no business being in my life.

You always want to think the best of the people you give your heart to. That southern charm created a fantasy that I simply got lost in. It was a learning lesson. Stay guarded, don't fall so easily, and trust your gut. The minute you feel something is up, question it. You have a right to! I'm always told "when people show you their true colors, believe them". I agree. It has nothing to do with the color of their skin or the job they have, but the integrity of their character. After this breakup, I need a "me cleanse". I removed Facebook from my phone so I wasn't tempted to see the pictures and torture myself more, I physically want to better myself by eating better and working out (I gained some weight while I was dating him due to all the Chili's dinners), and I want to spiritually reconnect myself.

Following a breakup is not the time to completely say "f*ck love" and start dating the opposite sex. I will admit that I have stated and vowed that I'm never getting married lol. But this time is a time of reflection and reformation. REFLECT on the standards and values that YOU hold, the things you will tolerate and allow during your next relationship, and REFORM to become a better person. For me, this is a time of rejuvenation. I can leave the negativity of this behind, put my energy into positive things and move forward to accomplishing my dreams. It's so difficult to snap back from a bad breakup, but you will. Many people that I love and cherish have told me this millions of times. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. That is the biggest thing I am internalizing. You did not ask for this, slap a sign on your forehead saying "hey, I want to get hurt not too long from now", or throw flares up so that this is a packaged boxed dropped at your feet. It is a part of life that sucks, but happens. Use this time to better yourself and remind yourself why you are an amazing person. I have been surrounding myself with people that love and care for me. Find positive outlets for a negative situation. Become a better person. What's done in the dark will come to light, so its only a ticking time bomb for when the skeletons start dancing out of his closet... and I hope I have front row seats. :) Now is the time where I continue to heal from the hurt, move on, and become a better individual so that I can say I became a better person although you tried to break me and hurt me. Just because their sh*t stinks doesn't mean you have to as well.

Love yourself! Focus on you! Achieve your goals! Last but not least, nobody else defines you but YOU!

Much love,

-T

Tired of Trying in a Hopeless Circle

Hey everyone,

I haven't posted in a while due to finishing my undergraduate degree in T-minus 10 days! Yes! I said it! 10 days until I hold my Bachelor's of Science in Chemistry with a concentration in Biochemistry. Graduates, I know you understand this job hunt struggle, because right now it is too real...

I wanted to bring back the use of this blog as a therapy and release for me. My return from Morocco (which was amazing by the way and I will post pictures and stories in another post later on) left me in a state of disarray. I say that because my Senior Year has been full of unbelievable twists and turns that I never thought would happen. I found a post discussing my parents' divorce and the guy I was seeing at the time and I find it funny that I never posted it. I completely forgot about it. Having seen that post and what I wrote honestly cemented how I feel and why I am on the belief that I have. 

Everyone has seen Beyonce's new visual album Lemonade. I unfortunately have not, but I have seen the MILLIONS of posts about it on Facebook. She honestly holds a lot of truth within her work and people have been spot on with their interpretations of the symbols, the art, and the metaphors she gifted the world in a short span of 58 minutes (yes, I will be sure to watch the visual album after this). At the age of 22, I have been through my fair of relationships. The "amazing men" that turn into little boys after the dirty laundry comes out of the closet. Quite honestly, I'm over it. Now friends of mine will read this say "T, you're not done", "Wait for the right guy! He's out there!", "It's a trial and error type thing this dating game". My response: bullshit. We live in a society where it is okay to lower the standards for the partner we want in life and allow things to slide. I caught my ex in another woman's profile picture after have already confronting him prior to, asked him about it, and I was somehow placed in the wrong. Said female has now blocked me from access to seeing her profile in general. I have never communicated with her, sent her any messages, or anything. I simply asked him who she was and this happened. Now readers, what does that tell you about this situation? Juicy... yes, I know. I kind of want to hear the ending myself. My point is, when you feel that pit in your stomach or that unsettling feeling, go with it. Your relationship is YOUR relationship. Yes, we all go to our friends for help and wanting their opinion, but you want that comfort during that time. The honesty is needed, but sometimes you just want that friend to listen and allow you to get it all out before your guy becomes that piece of shit. 

To tie back to the idea that society has allowed us to lower our standards, we no longer place our significant others as a priority in our lives. Dating is for the purpose of marriage, right? We do just enough to get by to keep that person happy and with us. Once that "honeymoon phase" is gone, you find yourself wanting intimacy, communication, and even just being plain old thoughtful. Things you never have to ask for prior to, you are now screaming at the top of your lungs for. People will probably say by this point you need to be out of the relationship, but its not their relationship. No one will ever be perfect for the person they are meant to spend the rest of their lives with. It's simply a matter of how much can you tolerate said person for x amount of years. Can you stand the way the way they never want to get dressed for a night on the town every once in a while? Can you tolerate someone who is physically not affectionate but shows their love in other ways? Everyone is different and it's all about what you feel you can handle in your life. 

I title this "Tired of Trying in a Hopeless Circle" because the dating game has changed. New technology such as smart phones and social media has skewed the dating scene from where our parents grew up. It's sometimes difficult to see a marriage last more than 15 years or a relationship break that 9 month mark. Times are changing. As a child of a nasty divorce that is currently on-going and reeling from the break-up with someone I saw my future with, you get a distaste for relationships. And I feel that I just drank a pint of spoiled milk that had been outside sitting in this Georgia heat. I no longer feel that need to have someone in my life that I once did. Yes, its nice to have that support system (friends and family cover that) and a nice, warm body to keep you company at night (you can get dog or some extra blankets if its that serious), but the main focus is you. Is that person you put all your energy into going to be there forever? From my point of view, no. 

Focus on yourself! My breakups have brought many wonderful things into my life because I didn't allow myself to harp on them or run out to find someone else as a place holder or rebound. Prior to my current ex, I had a rough breakup, but I ended up moving to Morocco where I dined under amazing scenery and had the opportunity to take in and enjoy a rich culture. This breakup, I am earning my Bachelor's degree with great grades and can move wherever I want to find to a job (I found jobs overseas in Europe :)) The opportunities are endless. I see myself traveling around the world and giving my passport stamps to places people can't even pronounce. I see myself having an amazing career where I can give back to the community and to people that have loved and supported me continuously. At 22, that desire for a boyfriend, life partner, boo thang, bae, or even the thought of marriage is not even at the table right now. Its packed away in a shoe box, in a cardboard box, taped up, and placed in the back corner of the attic under some more boxes and a ratty old blanket. 

The one thing I learned is don't allow someone else's love to define you. Their definition of love is skewed by their own self-loathing. You are beautiful, intelligent, and have the whole world going for you. Define your own happiness and joy and don't rely on someone else or a marriage to give that to you. My friend Michaela is traveling the world on mission trips to places such as Panama, Costa Rica, Spain and my friend Jeremy, that I went to Morocco with is moving to Germany with the Army and planning to go to Ibiza or Greece next year (Jeremy, I was serious about going lol). There is so much more to life than a relationship and staying in one place. Looking back, I would have probably given up this wanderlust and passion to stay stagnant in one spot. That honestly deeply saddens me. 

Who knows... Maybe my views will change shortly or in a few years. I just can't allow myself to associate being single as a negative thing. I don't want to feel like I have to have a boyfriend or a husband to be okay. My 5-bedroom home, dogs, amazing wine collection, and blacked out BMW i8 will keep me company when I'm alone. If I really need some communication and joy, I have friends that I can call and feel much better. The breakup pain is temporary, but there is more to life out there. This too shall pass and I'm excited to see the many opportunities that are available to me. 

-T