As human beings, the desire for some type of communication with another is encoded in our DNA. From birth, we find that connection with our parents. Toddlers, find that comfort with their parents as well as other kids. "Tweens" want the acceptance from their peers and society, and so on and so forth. We find ourselves wrapped up in the mission of finding someone outside of our family realm to love and support us equally as the family unit does. It also sometimes distracts us from where we need to be in life and what we need to do to accomplish our goals.
As a young girl, I got caught up in the rush of finding "my best friend". It's funny because that one person you feel will be there forever, seems to disappear after a few years. I do have my friends that have been with me since pre-K as well as people from high school, but as I grow older, the term "best friend" is used so loosely including by me. Trust is so easily given to people that give us the slightest indication that they care or want to be there for us. The realization that they are only gaining from your hurt and pain to build themselves up, is the ultimate betrayal that is more common than you think. It's difficult to find people that are really there for you. It is said that it is better to have a few quarters than to have many pennies (or something like that). Basically, the phrase is saying that your life will be more joyful with a few people on your team, than many who are not there for you or only present for personal gain. As I said in the last post, when people show you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM. You have to decide what you are willing to accept from a friend. If you feel that their actions are not bad enough to remove them from your life, then that's fine. YOU have to make the ultimate decision. Friendships, just like relationships, have their ups and downs. It will never be perfect, but at the end of the day, if your differences can be put aside to stand strong with one another, then keep that friend. If not, you know what has to be done.
Relationships with a significant other also fall along these guidelines. Yes, I have been a victim of the cheating, lying, lack of effort, as well as abuse. It's more common that believed to be. There are more types of abuse than physical. There's also emotional and sexual. If you find yourself in a situation that you are uncomfortable with: LEAVE. Do not feel that you can change them or that it will get better, because it will take years and help to rid of those patterns. It's a scary thought because you never believed that you would find yourself in that situation. He'll say I love you one minute and transform within the next. I see young girls, and even girls my age, wrapped up in new relationships where it seems to be moving fairly quickly. It seems like the relationship will last an eternity because they look so harmonious and in sync with one another. However, what you see may not be reality. What he tells you may not be reality. Here in lies where trust is easily destroyed and broken. You live your life fearing that the next relationship will be similar to the last. It's hard to have faith.
Red flags are also a big indicator as to how things will turn out. I was in a relationship where a guy was in a long term relationship with someone else, and I had no idea. You would have never known because of all the time we spent together and how platonic the relationship turned out to be. I was happy. Things were stable and finally falling into place. However, when he was caught in the lie, everything seemed to implode quickly. I was hurt, embarrassed, angry, as well as a multitude of other things. I didn't want anything to do with him when the truth was revealed. The only issue was, I couldn't let him go and he knew that. He kept pursuing me. Like an idiot, I took him back. Don't get me wrong, he stepped up his game in how he treated me. Bringing me ice cream without me asking, lunches, movie nights, cute gifts on holidays... things that made me feel comfortable with the decision I had made. These things also blinded from the truth that was blatantly in front of my face. The disrespect began to show, the time spent together began to cease, and the effort seemed to diminish. I was so tired of everything that was happening and begging him to fix it, that I decided to leave. It seemed that he had already left the relationship weeks prior, but nothing was said about it. I'm still struggling daily with the decision I made, but I know that it was the right one. With our break-up, I also lost a friend that I felt was like a sister. Someone I confided in and trusted. It's a part of life to experience it, but it still hurts. I don't regret the relationship and of course, I care for him regardless of the decisions he chose to make concerning our relationship. I am in no way not guilty of anything, because I had my faults. I'm not perfect.
You have to come to point where you realize that you deserve better. Whether the treatment is from a significant other or a friend, you set the standards and toleration for what you expect and want to receive. Don't settle for less and don't force anything. You can't force somebody to be something they are not. Someone is out there that will be your perfect match. Do not put all your attention into finding that person either! The world is so vast and filled with endless opportunities. Wrapping yourself up in someone or a situation will blur your vision and your goals. The biggest lesson I have learned from both my friendships and relationships, is that those that are meant to be in your life, will still be there regardless of the adventures and chances you take or the mistakes you make. I've known two of my closest friends since I was in diapers. When you take a chance and follow your heart, those that are meant to be on your journey will be there. Don't sweat the small stuff, learn from it. It's a struggle I face daily, but I'm doing better day by day. It's amazing the people you meet when you take a chance. Step outside of your comfort zone! If that friend is not a true friend, drop them! If your significant other isn't who you want them to be, don't stay and force it! Being in unhappy relationships will only make you bitter, stressed, and upset. I realize that it's the comfort zone we enjoy, but that comfort zone can easily be the death of your dreams if you're not careful. New chances and new people will add so much more excitement to your life. Like I said in the beginning, it's human nature to want some type of relationship with someone. These are experiences we all share and will eventually go through. The only difference is how we take the experience. Continue to follow your dreams and motivate yourself. Do not let others who are not worthy of your love, loyalty, or friendship destroy you! There are plenty of people in your corner that love and support you regardless of your shortcomings and downfalls. :)
Much love always!
-T.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Monday, June 8, 2015
Stay Focused on You
It's been a minute... my fault... between the excursions, catching an infection in my intestines from bad food, and trying to learn Arabic, it's been rough. I'm on the last week of my excursion and I can definitely say that this trip has been an experience. It's been a learning lesson, not only for myself, but for other people as well. The trip allowed for us to learn another culture, but also how to deal with the things that come with our culture. It also allowed for us to take a step back from our daily lives and "clean house" where it needed to be cleaned. I feel that with a study abroad trip, you have to be open- minded. Of course our wonderful director went over the "three Cs" with us (don't complain, criticize, and I forgot the last one), but I'm definitely sure that I've broken all three. Whether out loud or in silence, the 3 C's have been broken.
I believe the biggest lessons I've learned this trip are "To be seen and not heard" and "Watch who you trust". Each one is an issue that everyone faces and has no idea how to deal with. I'll give my opinion on each lesson and what I think, but it doesn't mean what I say is law. A lot of people don't understand the idea of "what you eat doesn't make me shit". Meaning, if what I say offends you or doesn't sit well, move on. My words are not law or bound for eternity. Hell, I could change my position on certain things within the next few years. This is why I feel educating yourself on certain topics is SO important. You can easily put a sentence together, but what you say may have no relation to whatever is at hand. This is how hot air gets blown around and tempers flair... At 21, I can look back on my life choices and decisions I've made and only hope that others don't make the same mistake I did. Hence the "To be seen and not heard lesson"....
"To be seen and not heard".... Such a small, powerful sentence that speaks volumes. I am easily labeled a "homebody" or "anti-social", but that is not the case at all. Certain things I've learned, you can only do around certain people. So the way you laugh may be judged, the sauce you put on your sandwich looks gross, or the way you dance in a club is just so horrifically awful you will never be invited out again. People forget that these are the things that make up YOU. This is your ID card, your passport, your social security number, EVERYTHING. Issue is, some people find that hard to accept. Certain things you do are a "turn off" to others to where they don't want to be around you. Looking back at my last 3 years in college, I have honestly questioned some of the things I did and who I surrounded myself with. "Why did I do that?" "What did I see in him?" "Why did I allow her to talk to me like that?" It's all words that come in hindsight. Similar to someone insulting you and hours later while you're eating Cheetos watching The Walking Dead, you remember a witty comeback. Unfortunately, there are no do-overs. The "Shoulda, Coulda, Wouldas" will never cease to exist. So I've found the only solution to help me handle and somewhat manage my decisions: Be seen, but not heard. People watch for a good minute. It's funny cause this has turned into an enjoyment for me at the coffee shops here in Morocco. How people react, speak, and behave can speak volumes. If you see it happen ONCE, BELIEVE IT!!! This is a lesson I've had to learn throughout the years. If they show you one side of them, that side is permanently there. It's never going to change. You speaking to me in that tone... noted. You getting defensive when I come to you with an issue... noted. How you act in person and on social media... noted. Yes, it can be considered a judgement, but it's a judgement for your personal health. Do you really want to be around someone who continuously talks down to you? Do you want to be around someone who feels their actions are acceptable? Do you honestly want your name associated with a particular reputation? These are questions I find myself answering daily. Call me a bitch, then so be it. At the end of the day, I have to protect my own sanity and health. Dealing with unnecessary bullshit is not healthy for anyone.I close up to deal with my issues because the only one that can help you is yourself. Venting is the best form of healing, but only you can save yourself from hitting rock bottom. Toward the end of my Junior year, I felt myself falling. I couldn't get a hold on anything solid to help stabilize the avalanche I was on. In my eyes, everything was falling apart. however, coming to Morocco has helped me to find myself and where I want to be in life. As well as who I want around me on this journey. One of the hardest things I've found is finding those that want to see you do well and support your dreams. It's easy for people to look at you and see your downfalls to make themselves feel better. However, when you have a moment of happiness that they are not receiving, they turn selfish and feel that their lives will be blessed with the same happiness from the same source. It doesn't work like that. My journey is different from yours and yours different from mine. I can be inspired and want to take a similar route, but I don't want to make the same decisions as you. This is where the second lesson comes into play...
Trust: the one thing everyone hates to do. Whether its a friend, family member, or significant other, we will be faced with trust nonetheless. It sucks, but betrayal of trust is a part of life. It'll always happen. Why it does? I don't know. I think it has something with the three categories of people: Selfish, Selfless, and a happy balance of the two that never exists. I am definitely a selfless person. I want everyone to get along, be happy, and my life to flow in a happy cycle. Unfortunately, my selflessness allowed for people that I cared for dearly to betray my trust and then deny it. Certain situations cause trauma to one's life that causes a change in personality. In my case, it has to happen. I have to become less selfless and more selfish. I can no longer allow others to take advantage of me nor derail my plans for others. It's funny that I find my motivation through a bad breakup or failed friendship. "I'm going to travel the world!" (which I'm planning)... "I'm going to get a fine ass body so he'll hate himself at the end of the day!" (yeah... I'm about to be ON FLEEK come December... Get ready for Spring Break) Needless to say, I get distracted by relationships. This is probably why I don't date. I am okay with being alone. Yes, its nice to have someone there, but I have close friends and family I can run to. I watch people leave one relationship and quickly jump into another. How do you know you can be alone if you're never alone? It's more eye opening to look at things from your own perspective instead of,"what does ****** think about me doing this?". Allowing people into your journey is a tough thing to battle because your weakness can be used against you if the right people aren't in your corner or on your team. It can also be looked at as a lesson for them as well. They may not see it, but you may have been a reality check to them, just as they have been to you.
Learning who to open up to and trust is a big part of life. Especially as you reach the age where you want to settle down and get married or find what you want to do with your life. Trust is evident everywhere, you can't hide from it. Looking back at my last year, I laugh at some of the things I stressed about. They are now insignificant and a stepping stone to my bigger journey. They're fine staying stagnant with their lives and aren't elevating, so they want to pull you down with them like dead weight. In my eyes, this is a sign that I have a greater purpose for my life. I'm not meant to be with him, be friends with her or him, or be in this particular place for the rest of my life. I have now begun to look at life as half- full... There is more room for greatness to happen. Let life and love live! I can't let anymore distractions deter me from where I need to be. Staring out into the Mediterranean on the beach helped me clear my thoughts. Sometimes a break from everything is what you need... and I got my break. I'm back with a vengeance stronger than ever.
Stay Focused!!!
-T.
I believe the biggest lessons I've learned this trip are "To be seen and not heard" and "Watch who you trust". Each one is an issue that everyone faces and has no idea how to deal with. I'll give my opinion on each lesson and what I think, but it doesn't mean what I say is law. A lot of people don't understand the idea of "what you eat doesn't make me shit". Meaning, if what I say offends you or doesn't sit well, move on. My words are not law or bound for eternity. Hell, I could change my position on certain things within the next few years. This is why I feel educating yourself on certain topics is SO important. You can easily put a sentence together, but what you say may have no relation to whatever is at hand. This is how hot air gets blown around and tempers flair... At 21, I can look back on my life choices and decisions I've made and only hope that others don't make the same mistake I did. Hence the "To be seen and not heard lesson"....
"To be seen and not heard".... Such a small, powerful sentence that speaks volumes. I am easily labeled a "homebody" or "anti-social", but that is not the case at all. Certain things I've learned, you can only do around certain people. So the way you laugh may be judged, the sauce you put on your sandwich looks gross, or the way you dance in a club is just so horrifically awful you will never be invited out again. People forget that these are the things that make up YOU. This is your ID card, your passport, your social security number, EVERYTHING. Issue is, some people find that hard to accept. Certain things you do are a "turn off" to others to where they don't want to be around you. Looking back at my last 3 years in college, I have honestly questioned some of the things I did and who I surrounded myself with. "Why did I do that?" "What did I see in him?" "Why did I allow her to talk to me like that?" It's all words that come in hindsight. Similar to someone insulting you and hours later while you're eating Cheetos watching The Walking Dead, you remember a witty comeback. Unfortunately, there are no do-overs. The "Shoulda, Coulda, Wouldas" will never cease to exist. So I've found the only solution to help me handle and somewhat manage my decisions: Be seen, but not heard. People watch for a good minute. It's funny cause this has turned into an enjoyment for me at the coffee shops here in Morocco. How people react, speak, and behave can speak volumes. If you see it happen ONCE, BELIEVE IT!!! This is a lesson I've had to learn throughout the years. If they show you one side of them, that side is permanently there. It's never going to change. You speaking to me in that tone... noted. You getting defensive when I come to you with an issue... noted. How you act in person and on social media... noted. Yes, it can be considered a judgement, but it's a judgement for your personal health. Do you really want to be around someone who continuously talks down to you? Do you want to be around someone who feels their actions are acceptable? Do you honestly want your name associated with a particular reputation? These are questions I find myself answering daily. Call me a bitch, then so be it. At the end of the day, I have to protect my own sanity and health. Dealing with unnecessary bullshit is not healthy for anyone.I close up to deal with my issues because the only one that can help you is yourself. Venting is the best form of healing, but only you can save yourself from hitting rock bottom. Toward the end of my Junior year, I felt myself falling. I couldn't get a hold on anything solid to help stabilize the avalanche I was on. In my eyes, everything was falling apart. however, coming to Morocco has helped me to find myself and where I want to be in life. As well as who I want around me on this journey. One of the hardest things I've found is finding those that want to see you do well and support your dreams. It's easy for people to look at you and see your downfalls to make themselves feel better. However, when you have a moment of happiness that they are not receiving, they turn selfish and feel that their lives will be blessed with the same happiness from the same source. It doesn't work like that. My journey is different from yours and yours different from mine. I can be inspired and want to take a similar route, but I don't want to make the same decisions as you. This is where the second lesson comes into play...
Trust: the one thing everyone hates to do. Whether its a friend, family member, or significant other, we will be faced with trust nonetheless. It sucks, but betrayal of trust is a part of life. It'll always happen. Why it does? I don't know. I think it has something with the three categories of people: Selfish, Selfless, and a happy balance of the two that never exists. I am definitely a selfless person. I want everyone to get along, be happy, and my life to flow in a happy cycle. Unfortunately, my selflessness allowed for people that I cared for dearly to betray my trust and then deny it. Certain situations cause trauma to one's life that causes a change in personality. In my case, it has to happen. I have to become less selfless and more selfish. I can no longer allow others to take advantage of me nor derail my plans for others. It's funny that I find my motivation through a bad breakup or failed friendship. "I'm going to travel the world!" (which I'm planning)... "I'm going to get a fine ass body so he'll hate himself at the end of the day!" (yeah... I'm about to be ON FLEEK come December... Get ready for Spring Break) Needless to say, I get distracted by relationships. This is probably why I don't date. I am okay with being alone. Yes, its nice to have someone there, but I have close friends and family I can run to. I watch people leave one relationship and quickly jump into another. How do you know you can be alone if you're never alone? It's more eye opening to look at things from your own perspective instead of,"what does ****** think about me doing this?". Allowing people into your journey is a tough thing to battle because your weakness can be used against you if the right people aren't in your corner or on your team. It can also be looked at as a lesson for them as well. They may not see it, but you may have been a reality check to them, just as they have been to you.
Learning who to open up to and trust is a big part of life. Especially as you reach the age where you want to settle down and get married or find what you want to do with your life. Trust is evident everywhere, you can't hide from it. Looking back at my last year, I laugh at some of the things I stressed about. They are now insignificant and a stepping stone to my bigger journey. They're fine staying stagnant with their lives and aren't elevating, so they want to pull you down with them like dead weight. In my eyes, this is a sign that I have a greater purpose for my life. I'm not meant to be with him, be friends with her or him, or be in this particular place for the rest of my life. I have now begun to look at life as half- full... There is more room for greatness to happen. Let life and love live! I can't let anymore distractions deter me from where I need to be. Staring out into the Mediterranean on the beach helped me clear my thoughts. Sometimes a break from everything is what you need... and I got my break. I'm back with a vengeance stronger than ever.
Stay Focused!!!
-T.
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