Growing up has been one of the biggest things I've had to do in the last 5 years. I've learned to take care of myself in the real world, how to care for others, and what I want out of life. It's easy to sit and bed and dream about what you want in life. "Oh, I want this house, with this type of man, have this particular career, and make X amount of money". Pintrest has helped to contribute to some of these visions. I must admit, I am an avid user of the "Pin It" function. However, what do you when you see that your vision board isn't mapping out to what you envisioned it to be?
For starters, anything is possible. With my Pisces zodiac, anyone who knows me knows that I am a dreamer. I love to imagine the best case scenario and have the most optimistic view on people and the world around me. Yes, this can be a downfall at times. Trust me, I've fallen and its been some of the hardest falls I've had. With the world being such a bleak place at times, you have to find the best in the situations. At least that's how I feel... Often, I find myself at the end of the pessimistic responses. I feel at times that people try to "pop my bubble" and bring me back to reality, but I can't view life through a small picture.
Looking at life through a big picture has made me appreciate everything a lot more. I have stepped out of my comfort zones to find that happiness in life I desire so much. I traveled to Morocco and studied Arabic for four weeks, I am a part of a wonderful research team that led me to my next step in life (graduate school), and I am the community service chair for a wonderful organization that will help enlighten kids in the community of their full potential. My biggest decision is coming in almost a year and I couldn't be more excited. I am applying to graduate programs and moving to a city that I will call home for the next 5-7 years. New Brunswick, New Jersey, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and Montreal, Quebec, Canada are places where I could be starting this new stage of my life. This decision also makes me wonder if I'm destined to follow the normal path...
Coming off a high from my wonderful, amazing experience in Morocco, I wonder if I should be following the steps of others my age. A lot of people around me are settling down and becoming marriage-minded, and I'm over here decorating my apartment for ME. Am I missing out on this part of life? Should I be concerned that I am single and alone and could possibly be that way for the rest of my life? The answer to that question is HELL NO. At 21 years old, I don't want to have to plan my life around someone else. As I lay out all my plans and dreams, they do not include anyone else but me. I need a vibrant city where I can enjoy my twenties, a one bedroom apartment that I can call my own sanctuary, and a wonderful Pharmacology program where I can gain the necessary knowledge for my Ph.D. My parents have put me in this mindset and I couldn't thank them any more for doing so. They taught me to be an independent person that doesn't rely on anyone for anything. At the end of the day, (as my good friend always says) "I'm all I got". A serious relationship is not in my cards at the moment and THAT IS OKAY. These past few months, I have been dealing with a breakup that has honestly torn me to shreds. I cried in Morocco, I cried in my bed in my townhouse. Hell, I cried in my car driving on the highway. It hits the most that you're alone when it's late at night. You no longer can roll over and have someone there to curl up with, or share your innermost thoughts, or feel like you're the only person in the world that matters. As I deal with this separation, I've come to a realization about a lot of things...
First, He's not worth the tears anymore. I tear up from time to time, but I also remember how I was in a relationship where I wasn't respected, I wasn't loved, and there really wasn't a future. I could make up ANY excuse as to why we should have stayed together and how we could make it work, but it would be a pointless, waste of time. I realize that at this point in time, I wasn't important to you. I wasn't worth it to you. And that's okay. You made your choice and that leaves me room to find someone that feels I am important and always has the time to make me happy. I found myself diving into new activities and finding a new voice I never knew I had. Would I thank you for that? No. That would be giving you too much credit for being the selfish person you were. I thank myself for opening my eyes to where I want to be in life and who I want to be with...
The second thing I realized is that, I'm in a selfish phase right now. I want someone who will make me happy and be there, but I don't want a heavy commitment. I know I'm in this phase of life because I want the excitement and joy of getting engaged, but I want it minus the commitment of marriage. Crazy right? Committing myself to someone honestly scares the hell out me. I've been hurt, cheated on, and probably a majority of everything you wouldn't want in a relationship. Also, dealing with other separations that are occurring in my life, marriage and commitment is the furthest thing from my mind. Of course I'll be told that "The right man will come along and change your mind". A part of me doesn't know if I want that to happen...
Growing up means facing a lot of obstacles and challenges.As I begin my senior of year of college, I find myself in a happy place. I'm single and free to do as I please, I can pack up and travel at the drop of a hat, I can pick any city to move to at my hearts desire, and I'm free to live my dreams. Will my time come? Maybe. Will someone enter my life that makes me eat my words? Probably. At this point in time, he doesn't need to come in. I need to enjoy my time as a 21-year-old college student and find my path in life. My decision for graduate school will be tough, but it will be the greatest journey I have yet to embark on. It's time to pick myself up, dust all the hurt, pain, and anguish off, and grab life by the horns. I have too much love and support from different people to allow certain mishaps to control my life. I don't want to grow up and fully adult yet. Yes, I already pay bills and deal with finances, but I don't need to have any more responsibilities than that of myself :) Senior year starts in a few weeks and I know that I will begin to soar and do what I need to do to find myself on this crazy, beautiful journey.
-T.
